Alright so my dentist yelled at me again about crusty retainers last month. That nasty film? Yeah can't scrub it off with just soap and water anymore. Decided enough's enough - time for a damn cleaning machine.

The Stupid Manual Battle

First I grabbed my old toothbrush like a caveman. Scratched the hell outta my expensive plastic retainer while white gunk laughed at me. Next tried soaking it overnight in vinegar - woke up to a warzone smell in my kitchen. Roommate nearly kicked me out.

Bought this cheap $20 UV box thing online. Looked space-age in pictures right? Pure crap machine. Took three cycles just to clean one retainer. Then it died after four days flashing random error lights.

Actual Testing Time

Went full detective mode reading forums till 3am. Everybody shouts different recommendations. Ordered three "top" 2024 machines myself to test:

• The Pod Pro thing

Looks slick like Apple made it. Buttons got stuck the second day. Water tank collects nasty slime underneath. Cleaning power? Decent for daily maintenance but struggles with heavy buildup.

• Brand X UltraSonic

Vibrates like a cat shaking on a washing machine. Actually does work though! Kills all gunk in seven minutes flat. Downside? Sounds like a spaceship crashing into a blender.

• Tiny Dent Lab Model

Goddam plastic box costs more than my first car. But holy crap - one cycle turns cloudy retainers into glass. Silent too. Almost cried seeing how clean they got. Felt like getting new retainers.

Conclusion Drama

Pod Pro went back to Amazon next day. Brand X stays in my bathroom - works great if you don't mind neighbors thinking you're drilling for oil. But that Tiny Dent machine? Yeah my wallet hates me but my retainers sparkle now. Dentist actually smiled last week. Shocking right?

Partner saw the credit card bill though. Sleeping on the couch tonight. Worth it.