Okay so my night guard was getting super gross no matter how much I scrubbed it. Toothpaste wasn't cutting it anymore - that thing smelled like old cheese after a week. Figured one of those cleaner machines might help, but wow the options overwhelmed me at first.

Where I started

Just grabbed my phone late one night and searched "mouthguard cleaner" without thinking. Hundreds popped up immediately with shiny pictures and big promises. Felt like drowning in choices honestly. Almost bought the cheapest one just to get it over with, but my buddy Greg warned me his cheap one broke after two weeks.

The hunt in stores

Went to three big box stores nearby. First had only two models - both looked flimsy like kid's toys. Second place had a fancy $200 one that played music (why?!). Sales guy kept talking about "ultrasonic frequencies" and I just nodded along pretending I understood. Third store had nothing at all. Figured online was my only real option.

What actually mattered

Sitting at my kitchen table comparing specs made me realize I needed to focus:

• Tank size: Mine's a bulky guard - measured it first! Saw ones too small where my guard wouldn't even fit.
• Noise level: Our bedroom's tiny. Got burned buying a loud air purifier before - wasn't repeating that mistake. Looked for reviews mentioning "quiet" or "won't wake you."
• Cleaning time: Almost bought one needing 30 minutes per clean. Nah. Settled for 5-10 minute cycles max.
• Plain water vs tablets: Didn't wanna buy proprietary cleaners forever. Found one using regular denture tabs I already steal from my grandma.
• Sturdiness: Avoided anything with flimsy plastic lids. Saw YouTube reviews where lids cracked in months.

Ordering and trying out

Picked a mid-priced one after reading tons of customer pics showing actual guards inside. Delivery took forever - got impatient and nearly canceled. Finally arrived last Tuesday. Plugged it in while making coffee:

• Plop the guard in with hot water
• Drop half a denture tab in
• Hit the single button (no confusing settings)

That vibrating hum sounds like my phone buzzing on wood. Five minutes later? Guard came out looking brand new with zero slime. Smelled like nothing - which is perfect. Way better than brushing till my fingers cramped.

If I did it again

Wouldn't stress over "brand name" models so much. Almost paid extra for one endorsed by some dentist on Instagram. Also learned those UV light features are mostly marketing junk - water and vibration do 99% of the work. Just measure your guard first, check for real owner photos, and ignore anything with more than two buttons. Feels good not to gag putting my guard in anymore.