Alright folks, grab a coffee 'cause today was a dusty hell with my ancient Bissell Big Green. Found the old beast buried in the garage corner last week. Yeah, that thing. Covered in spiderwebs and forgotten dreams. Decided I'd actually use this time. Ha! Easier said than done.

The Manual Hunt

First step? Find the damn manual. Dug through boxes near the water heater. Found pizza coupons from 2015, half a mouse nest, but no manual. Remembered shoving it inside the dirty water tank years back. Pried that sticky tank lid open - bam! Manual fused to the plastic. Had to peel the damn thing apart like overcooked bacon. Page 3 was just a brown stain.

The Dirty Setup

Found this section in the mangled manual:

Getting Started (According to My Stained Page):

• Drag the monster to a power outlet (required serious grunting)
• Fill clean water tank (used the dog's bowl by mistake first)
• Check belts & brushes (found a petrified Cheerio in there)

Plugged it in. Flip the switch. Nothing. Silence. Felt stupid rage building. Checked the garage circuit breaker - tripped. Of course. Reset it. Machine growled like a dying bear. Progress!

Operation Chaos

Shoved the beast onto my filthy living room rug. Squeezed the trigger. Shot a jet of brown liquid everywhere - forgot I didn't empty the dirty tank from last use... which was maybe 2018? Lovely. Mopped up the swamp I created.

Refilled PROPERLY. Sprayed cleaner. Went to pull back. Wheels locked. Almost threw out my back. Saw the damn manual had coffee rings on the "Unlocking Wheels" diagram. Flipped two little levers underneath. Machine lurched backwards like a drunk. Scratched the floor. Fantastic.

Eventually got a rhythm:

• Push trigger for spray (wet the floor)
• Scrub back and forth (shake the house)
• Release trigger to suck (make unholy vacuum noises)

Sucked up half a Lego, two hair ties, and something unidentifiable. Carpet looked... slightly less gray? Or just damp.

The Aftermath

Emptied the tank. Dear god. Black water filled with chunks. Nearly gagged. Threw it down the driveway drain. Left the lid off to dry.

Wiped the machine down with old rags. Tried reassembling. Extra screw left over. Always. Tossed it in the toolbox with the other mystery parts.

End result? Rug is damp. Floor is scratched. Found that missing Lego my kid cried about 3 years ago. Manual is destroyed. But... the damn machine works. Mostly. Belt squeaks now. Going to ignore it.

Moral? Those old green beasts are built like tanks. Ugly, messy, heavy tanks that might fight back. But they suck dirt like nothing else. Just... maybe wear gloves when emptying the tank. Trust me.

Now excuse me while I find stronger carpet cleaner. This thing's getting used again tomorrow. Hell yeah.