So last week, my coffee shop's grease trap started smelling like Satan's armpit, and I realized I couldn't scrub commercial kitchens myself anymore. Took three days researching companies before settling on five for a proper showdown.

The Gross Beginning

First I made this nasty checklist on a greasy napkin - pricing, equipment they bring, green cleaning stuff, and if they offered emergency calls when the deep fryer explodes at 3am. Then I literally googled "kitchen cleaners near me" while elbow-deep in dishwater.

The Phone Tag Chaos

Called twelve places Monday morning. Half didn't pick up, one dude straight-up hung up when I asked about enzyme cleaners. Ended up with these guys: SparklePro, Degunk Masters, ShinyHoods LLC, BioClean Team, and SteriWizards. Scheduled each for a quote visit.

Quote Day Circus

Tuesday was wild - five dudes in uniforms marching through my tiny kitchen waving clipboards. SteriWizard guy showed up with a damn tablet showing 3D simulations while BioClean dude just scratched his beard going "hmm... that's a lot of carbon buildup". Degunk Masters forgot their ladder and quoted me $500 over the phone without looking at the exhaust hoods.

• SparklePro: Cheapest ($280/month) but wanted me to buy all chemicals
• Degunk Masters: Fastest scheduling but most expensive ($650!)
• ShinyHoods: Only ones using steam cleaners - loved that
• BioClean: All-natural stuff but takes 5 hours per clean
• SteriWizards: Crazy digital reports but nickel-and-dimed add-ons

The Test Clean Experiment

Made each clean one section Wednesday. Degunk Masters finished grill cleaning in 20 minutes but left grease smears. BioClean took 2 hours on the same area but smelled like fresh lemons. SteriWizards gave me a PDF with "before/after microbe counts" which felt ridiculous for a damn fry station.

What Actually Worked

Went with ShinyHoods finally. Their steam cleaner melted gunk like butter and no chemical smells meant I could reopen immediately. Cost me $420/month but worth not having migraine from fumes. Funny how the flashy tech companies weren't actually better at removing crusty cheese off flat tops.

Lesson? Sometimes the simple stuff works best. Also learned kitchen grease on your phone screen makes terrible fingerprint scanner lube.